September 17, 2018

time...keeps going
About a month or so ago, Casey and I took apart Cody’s drums. We needed to make some room. I needed to adjust to them not set up before I thought of anew home. I asked several friends and family members about the drums. Nothing came to fruition. My brother and cousin thought about them but to send to Florida just seemed too much.
A few years ago, HSE did a jazz fundraiser. The drummer was amazing! I ran into him and his mother in a restaurant and both were so pleasant. When I can’t sleep, my mind wanders. I looked up this drummer on Facebook and got in touch with him.  He seemed happy to have the drums. Upon meeting his mom and him here at the house yesterday, I could feel the emotions. I wanted to make sure it was ok to give them to him. Well, his mom got out of the car. She tells me and Casey that she works for HHH transportation and that she actually drove down our street the day before and she saw Cody’s tree and sign. Casey saw her driving. I know that was my sign from Cody letting me know that he was ok with Jordan taking his drums. Jordan was kinda quiet but I guess it could be a bit overwhelming. He set them up and posted a little video clip of him already playing them. Brings me to tears but they will be put to good use.
Please say lots of prayers tonight for Meghan. She was brought to hospice today. I feel awful. No words. Xoxo

April 18, 2018

its hard, it’s painful. It’s raw. My boy is gone. I miss him every second.
Today marks 3 years and 4 months. 40 months. It’s funny. I remember a few years ago talking with a family I know. The daughter and her dad were there. They lost their wife/ mom. I was asking joe everyone was and asked the young girl how her mom was. In that spilt second, I said her mom’s name. I felt awful. We carried on the conversation and I was upset. Fast forward, I, sadly, know how much I love hearing my son’s name, even if it’s a mistake. I love hearing stories about him I love sharing them too. Casey lives back here and I share stories of Cody all the time. He missed so much too. We are grieving as I’m sure we always will.

December 23, 2017

Just this past week was Cody's angelversary..  Life keeps going.  We are doing our best.  Casey is living back here with me and it is very comforting to have him here.  I am trying to help him cope and I see his sadness.  It breaks my heart.  We went to the Short's on Sunday to do a balloon release and sent a few lanterns up.  It was a special and sad night. Thank you to the Short's for having us.
I am busy working on foundation things.  We did our Super Hero Day on the 15th.  It was another success.  I am touched beyond words at what various schools do to keep Cody's memory close to heart.  HSW teacher and former teacher of Cody's had the kids do presentations to the Social Studies classes.  Some kids wore super hero costumes and greeted the buses.  HSE and the physical education department raised funds by having the kids write the name of a super hero in their lives on a super hero thingy and they were hung up in the main hallway.  Casey and I visited the schools and it was so heartwarming.  Cody will not be forgotten.  On the 18th, Casey and I spent the day together.  It was hard in so many ways.  Casey has not witnessed the love and support we have here so I think he might be overwhelmed.  It is all so hard to wrap our heads around this, the 3 years just flew by and yet it seems like yesterday.  I am thankful and blessed to have everyone here.  I feel the love.  I will continue to pray for those that left us and for those battling.  I have met some amazing families along the way.  My bonds with the friends I have here are stronger than ever.  Yes, I have changed, but how could I not?
Thank you all and enjoy the holidays with your families.  XOXOXO

August 23,2017

hello. I felt like writing a bit tonight. I went to Sloan with a friend to deliver the care packages for the families. I saw so many of those special, compassionate people that work there.  It is really hard to describe but so touching. They did become my family for so many years. So very supportive. I missed seeing many but will return.
Life has changed me for sure. I am somehow getting through. Please say special prayers for Meghan tonight. I saw her and it's just so unfair.  These kids are so strong. They can't get a break. Heartbreaking.
Doing things as simple as these care packages makes me feel good. I hate the disease but I feel I can help somehow.
I keep a journal for my deeper thoughts. But just wanted to reach out here.
I miss my son every second.

June 18, 2017

Unreal.  30 months, 2 and a half years.  I do not know how this happens.  I miss my son.  I will never be able to wrap my head around this.

April 27, 2017

My son, happy 24th birthday in heaven.  Casey is here and we will be together celebrating you.  We miss you more than ever.  Love you, Cody.

February 27, 2017

I do not know how life goes on with a piece of it missing.  Losing a child is the worst thing like has. I think of my son every minute.  I just shake my head.  I cannot wrap my head around all of it.  It is all so unreal.  I expect him to be home when I get home.  I feel like I need to go in his room to see him sleeping.  I feel him all around.  It is all I have.  He is my angel.  I just wish he was here.  Childhood cancer is a beast.  Cody fought for so long and I feel like it was all a waste.  He usually felt something from the cancer and never had a normal life once he was diagnosed.  I wish I could see him.  I miss my son.