How do we go on? Life is empty. A part of me is missing. My son. I think every day about what we would be doing. Where would we go? How would my son’s hair look? Cody loves getting funky haircuts. I would love to here him laughing with his brother. I know he misses him. We all do.
Today was tough. I don’t know how or what I should be doing. It’s hard to keep the tears inside.
Thank you for all the love and support. It was much needed. Thanks for always remembering my son.
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Sunday, April 28, 2019
April 27-28, 2019
Birthdays are tough. How do you carry on and your son is not here, especially on his birthday? Sometimes I just want the day to go away. I was alone most of the day. I volunteered at a run for our friends the Nelsons. I went to the bagel store and had your favorite. There was a red mini with the black stripes on it when I pulled in. Thank you. Casey and I tried to get tattoos but there was no appointments. We ended up going to a new place for dinner. We sat at the bar waiting for our table. We did not order anything and the lights go crazy and the music blares. It was a Cuban restaurant and the waiter starts singing and clapping ‘happy birthday’. Then it happened about 6 times more. Casey had called his friend and asked what to order and he ended up meeting us. It was a nice night. Of course we missed Cody the entire day, as always. Love you my boy.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
March 9, 2019
I was reflecting back on those 6 years of Cody's battle today. At least from what I can remember. I did not realize that the day Cody was diagnosed was very close to the same day he left us. I remember being at Huntington Hospital all day that Sunday, Dec.14, 2008 and then being at hospice the night he left, Dec. 18, 2014. Such a play on numbers there.
Those 6 years we had a different life. A life where I was doing my best to keep Cody alive. As much as he hated being confined in a hospital room, we also came to love it and I actually miss it. I miss the comfort of having medical care inches away and as needed. I actually crave the closeness we shared all those nights we were sleeping close to each other in the same room. We would watch movies and videos and play games and Cody would tease the nurses. I would say his favorite ones, but then again they all were his favorite ones. He loved all of his doctors too. He made friends with everyone at that hospital. He would sing each morning with the ladies and men that cleaned his room. He would ask me to pick up donuts for the parking garage attendants. He made small talk with the ladies that worked in the cafeteria and they would get him anything he wanted. Once the nutritionist brought up a beautiful perfectly sliced pineapple because he was craving it. There are so, so many things I could write. I just miss Cody...all of him. What I would not do to have him back. I cannot say for just one day, because I would never let him go.
Casey is back home and he is broken too. His grieving is quite different but the same in that he misses Cody too. We talk often of Cody and when Casey does or says something funny, we know that was Cody whispering in his ear. We acknowledge it and we smile, a broken smile. Casey is keeping extremely busy and I know that allows his brain to go on without his brother. He befriended several of Cody's friends. He hangs out at the high school, he goes snowboarding (Cody loved going), he plays paintball (they used to do that together), we eat dinner at the places Cody loved, and the list goes on.
So now it is almost 4 and a half years since we have lived without Cody's being. He visits me in so many ways. It is never enough. That is why you never 'get over' it. I honestly don't want to get over grieving. I will never get over it. My son is not here. Life is going on and I am thankful for each and every person I have in my life. Everyone has a place. I am blessed that way. I just wish Cody was here.
Those 6 years we had a different life. A life where I was doing my best to keep Cody alive. As much as he hated being confined in a hospital room, we also came to love it and I actually miss it. I miss the comfort of having medical care inches away and as needed. I actually crave the closeness we shared all those nights we were sleeping close to each other in the same room. We would watch movies and videos and play games and Cody would tease the nurses. I would say his favorite ones, but then again they all were his favorite ones. He loved all of his doctors too. He made friends with everyone at that hospital. He would sing each morning with the ladies and men that cleaned his room. He would ask me to pick up donuts for the parking garage attendants. He made small talk with the ladies that worked in the cafeteria and they would get him anything he wanted. Once the nutritionist brought up a beautiful perfectly sliced pineapple because he was craving it. There are so, so many things I could write. I just miss Cody...all of him. What I would not do to have him back. I cannot say for just one day, because I would never let him go.
Casey is back home and he is broken too. His grieving is quite different but the same in that he misses Cody too. We talk often of Cody and when Casey does or says something funny, we know that was Cody whispering in his ear. We acknowledge it and we smile, a broken smile. Casey is keeping extremely busy and I know that allows his brain to go on without his brother. He befriended several of Cody's friends. He hangs out at the high school, he goes snowboarding (Cody loved going), he plays paintball (they used to do that together), we eat dinner at the places Cody loved, and the list goes on.
So now it is almost 4 and a half years since we have lived without Cody's being. He visits me in so many ways. It is never enough. That is why you never 'get over' it. I honestly don't want to get over grieving. I will never get over it. My son is not here. Life is going on and I am thankful for each and every person I have in my life. Everyone has a place. I am blessed that way. I just wish Cody was here.
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