Dec. 25, 2016

Merry Christmas in heaven my sweet angel.  I miss you more than words could ever say.  One day closer...

December 18, 2016

2 years...how does this happen?  I miss my son.  Every single minute.  Words cannot describe.  Thank you to all those that remember my son is so many ways.  I just wish he were here.

November 26, 2016

Thanksgiving weekend.
I am blessed that I had Casey here for a nice long span.  He was just back from a pretty tough deployment.  He made some new decisions and it will keep him here in the states.  For this, I am thankful.  We had a great visit.
I cannot explain what I feel.  The pain is all there and so close.  Losing a child has to be the worst thing on earth.  My heart feels so broken.  I just shake my head  and cry when I try to convey my feelings to someone. I know this pain will always be there.  I do not see how it ever can go away.
Just today, I got an email from someone Cody contacted about a cancer song this man wrote and recorded.  They said they used to follow Cody and wondered what had happened.  They have a handwritten thank you note from him.  That is how Cody was.  He appreciated the littlest things.  I always say that something comes over these kids when they get cancer.  They notice things.  They learn the value of a card or a note.  They notice something about everyone to say to make them feel better.  They appreciate life in a way like no other.  I see it in everyone I meet that is affected by cancer.
I am putting together the 2nd fundraiser. It looks to be better than last year!  I already have some great things donated and will have more.  I was kinda in a low place and was not thinking much about it but when friends starting asking...I jumped to it.  (Diane, I know you are reading this and will most likely respond.  Please come.  It will be Jan. 6.  We have a cool band!  Gary would love them. )
Thank you all for your continued support.  xoxoxo

September 18, 2016
Missing my son more than words can ever say.  It has been 21 long months without my son.  I feel him around and I am grateful.  It warms my heart that he is not being forgotten.  So many of you continue to show different ways of remembering my Cody.  Thank you.

August 28, 2016

Lazy Sunday here.  I miss my son more and more.  Just now "Stepbrothers" is on and I cannot remember how many times I saw this with Cody.  He loved this movie.  It is so funny no matter how many times you see it.  This was the movie he watched over and over when his brain was not functioning right from that virus during his transplant.  I can just hear both he and Casey laughing.  I miss my boys.  XOXOX

July 18, 2016

19 months ago....it was about this time that I saw my son take his last breath.  I came home to our house without him.  The big picture of all this is so unreal, so sad, so difficult.  I am so worried about Casey.  I hope he will one day, open up and talk about his feelings.  I know how he feels but he is living a different loss than I am.  I will continue to ask for our guardian angel, Cody to watch and protect both of us...love you both so much!

July 8, 2016

I miss my son.  It is so hard to think that I will not see him again in this world.  I will not hear him calling for me.  I will not hear his laugh and see his goofy smile.
I had my knee replacement and I know Cody was by my side.  I now know how difficult it was for him to be stuck in bed and I was only there for 4 days.  It is scary to think we could all be sick sometime and have to endure being stuck in a hospital.
Cody loved this time of year.  He loved coming to my school at the end of the year for the big send off.  He would meet me for lunch.  During the days off, he and I would both sleep but he would always sleep much later.  I would wait for him to wake up to decide what we were going to do for that day.  It did not matter what we did, just that we did something other than the medical part.  Even if it was a hospital day and Cody felt good, we would find something to do, walk around Chinatown which he loved to do, get a great lunch somewhere, go to a movie or just chill and watch something at home.  We were inseparable.
I do find that I crave my time alone and at home.  It is my safe haven.  I am closest to Cody here.  I do get out but prefer to be here.
My friends have, once again, been such a HUGE support for me.  I have had tons of help here at home.  I am so blessed that way.  Thank you.
Enjoy the sun...I will try to also.

June 19, 2016

It is just one day past 18 months that Cody has been gone.  It is unbelievable.  My heart hurts more and more.
Three years ago we went to get that first X-ray because his chest was hurting. Too many memories.
Casey got back from his cruise yesterday.  To say he had a great time appears to be an understatement.  He called me while waiting to get off the ship and told me about the signs he let in from Cody.  He sounded good and seemed ok with getting them.  Cody loved when the three of us went on a cruise.  I know he was with Casey.  Last night I felt some kind of presence and there was a light in the hallway like 3 different times.  It was as if someone was fooling around with a flashlight.  When I went to sit on the stairs to see if I could figure it out, I got nothing.  Typical Cody playing tricks when he can.  I miss him every second.
Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.  Takes someone very special to be a dad and to fulfill those duties each day.  I know because I have done both, mom and dad.  I had a perfect role model in my dad.  He taught me well!

June 5, 2016

Seven years ago yesterday, Cody got his first chance at a cure of this awful disease.  He received a double stem cell transplant.  These past 7 years have been the toughest, painful, saddest and challenging years of my life.  I did not think that it would end in losing my son.  I knew he was sick but I thought we could do this and with this stem cell transplant being a 'cure' for his leukemia. And it was.  As we all know, Cody was hit again with this disease, a rare form of cancer that eventually relapsed and he did not get a second chance for a cure.
I think of each and every moment with him and just cannot wrap my arms around the fact that he is not here.  I did lose my best friend.  I miss him each second of my life.  One day closer……one day closer. Please continue to watch over Casey, Cody.  He needs your guidance more than anyone.  Love you both so very much.

June 2, 2016

Time just keeps going.
I have awarded one scholarship in memory of Cody and the 2nd one will be tonight.  Cody's friends have done an amazing job presenting them.  I am touched beyond words.  Such a bittersweet feeling.
Yes, I am proud but would give anything, anything at all to have my Cody back.
Went to see Casey this weekend.  We had a great time, the best we good.  We could feel Cody missing every second.  Just not right, not fair and unreal.  Seven years ago we were preparing for Cody's transplant.  We were together 24/7.  That is how much I miss him, 24/7.  Doesn't stop.  Love and miss my boy, more than ever.

April 27, 2016

Happy 23rd Birthday to my son…love and miss you lots!

April 25, 2016

So close to Cody's birthday.  Not sure how all this happens.  I know Cody is watching with a front row seat.  The Islanders made it to round 2.  So many things happening to show me that he is with me.  I know he is.  It doesn't make anything easier, it is actually harder.  I have been invited to go to Foxwoods on Wednesday.  I think it might be a good way to share Cody's birthday.  He loved it there and he did well.  I will still release his birthday balloons Wednesday morning.  Anyone can do this.  I miss my son…more than words, more than life.

March 27, 2016

Only thing missing is you….

March 24, 2016

So excited and proud that we made the first batch of the Cody's Care Packages.  They looked amazing. Thank you to Greg Schwartz for the cool bags and the entire Schwartz family for starting the donation drive.  Thanks for the company today, Kara.  I def needed someone there with me for the delivery.  I think the packages will go over well.  I am so happy they looked so good.  Thanks to SH for all the donations and to Mary Picarello and Kara for helping assemble them.
Being back on M9 at MSKCC was so touching.  I am beyond words.  It was so good to see all those there that loved and cared so deeply and compassionately for my Cody.  Lots of hugs and tears and stories about Cody.  I miss him.  MSKCC was his home for 1/3 of his life.  I wish I lived closer to see everyone more often but it definitely won't be my last visit.  I miss my friends there, doctors, nurses, nurse practitioners, receptionists, social workers, and a special girl that works in the IV room.  We have such a history there and I was overwhelmed with emotions.  Such amazing people that work there.  Can't say it enough.
I am so proud of Casey.  He was in a sniper competition all week.  I wish I could have been there.  I know he did well.  I miss him.
Thanks for always reading and staying in touch to all of you….xoxoxoxo

March 16, 2016

I remember when Casey and Cody were little and how excited they were for Lucky the Leprechaun.  Things were happening at school and mischief was going on at home. They would wake up to a card (with cash if they were lucky) and sometimes a book or something related to St. Patrick's Day.  Now days just keep going by.  I will wear my green today for the little bit of Irish I have in me.  The only good thing about today is Casey is coming in tonight.  He will be here for the BIG CFK event tomorrow!  This I am happy about and I feel lucky that he is coming.  Cody would have loved this event.  He would be rocking his cowboy hat which I will bring, of course. He would be excited to ride the bull and see our CFK family.  I am glad Casey will get a chance to meet everyone and just hang with these wonderful people with hearts of gold.  I am so happy to be a part of the giving back part and I do when I can.  It is never enough but I will continue.
Think of the little things today.  Think of what you feel lucky about.  For me, I have two amazing, strong and handsome sons.  One is here and one I will see again in heaven.  He is cancer free and this I have to be grateful for.  I keep telling myself this.
Tomorrow marks 15 months with Cody.  Not sure how the days just keep going by without him….miss him so much…one day closer.  XOXOXO

February 21, 2016

Unreal how this thing called 'life' just keeps going without Cody.  It feels so different and so sad.  I was in Florida on Thursday.  14 months since Cody left.  I went to dinner with Roy and Christian and Alex.  I noticed a table next to me.  Little did I know, that when I looked more closely, it was a nurse practitioner from Sloan.  I reached my hand out and touched her.  Roy was in the bathroom and I was just sitting there with my nephews.  She looked at me and then we both hugged.  She was the first familiar face I saw after he had the seizure.  (We were down in radiology getting an xray when it happened.)  She and the team got down there as fast as they could.  It was so weird to see her in Florida.  She has a beautiful little boy and her husband was charming.  We took a picture together and she sent it to some of the other NP's I know.  They are such amazing people.  She then texted me and said "Cody wanted to be remembered today".  Of course, I think about him constantly but that was clearing a sign that he wanted me to know he was with me, as I know he always seems to be.

February 8, 2016

Missing my son..more and more.  It is not fair.
I had a dream last night and all I remember was that Cody was laughing and his coaches, Carone, Mayo and Don Herr, the trainer, were with him.  I texted the three of these amazing men to tell them and Carcone told me he is wearing the black CLB shirt and Don tells me he was just talking to his daughter today about the bracelet he wears for Cody, the persevere one.  (I did not hear back from Mayo yet but he came to Cody's fundraiser with the gold whistle Cody gave him in his pocket!)
I know these are true signs…we all have such a special angel.  Miss you and love you lots, Cody.

February 5, 2015

Today was a snow day.  I used to look forward to them so I could be home with Cody.  I am home but will never be the same.  The house is my sanctuary and I feel safest here.  I know I should do more and I will.  One day at a time.  Casey will be here in March so that will make me smile.  I am lucky to have such amazing friends here when I need them.
The foundation is doing so well.  So many people contribute and help out.  I do not want Cody to ever be forgotten.  This is definitely making that happen.  I know Cody is proud.
Thank you…and be safe out there NY!

Jan. 23, 2016

The questions are here.  Why did this happen?  Why do kids get cancer?  Why does anyone get cancer?  Why isn't there a cure?  Why do some kids get it more than once?  I just keep hearing about it more and more and it breaks my heart.  Prayers needed for some special friends and some little ones too.  Not fair.  I miss my Cody more and more each day...

Jan. 18, 2016

Time keeps going without Cody.  It is so painful.  Now I have to say he passed away over a year ago.  Doesn't seem real.  Missing my boy…always. Today is 13 months gone...

Jan. 10, 2016

The fundraiser was a huge success.  I was so nervous but it all fell into place.  It looked like everyone had a great time.  I wish I could have gotten around to just chat with everyone but it was crazy and very crowded.  It was so touching and heartwarming to see all those that came out in support for Cody.  Everyone was working so hard.  Thank you to all that came.  I am so blessed that way.  Thank you all!!

Jan. 7, 2016

I wish my son was here.  I know he knows what is going on here on earth.  I know he is watching me and guiding me.  Tomorrow is the first fundraiser.  Friends are excited and they keep coming!  I am so amazed.  I am doing my best to make sure Cody is never forgotten.  I know I will never forget him.   I think about him every second.  I see his signs everywhere and I know he is with me.  The dogs feel his presence too.
I miss Cody's laugh, his jokes, his smile, his hugs, his being.  I just miss Cody.  My heart hurts.  Unreal.
Thank you again for all those supporting the foundation!!  XOXO