I was reflecting back on those 6 years of Cody's battle today. At least from what I can remember. I did not realize that the day Cody was diagnosed was very close to the same day he left us. I remember being at Huntington Hospital all day that Sunday, Dec.14, 2008 and then being at hospice the night he left, Dec. 18, 2014. Such a play on numbers there.
Those 6 years we had a different life. A life where I was doing my best to keep Cody alive. As much as he hated being confined in a hospital room, we also came to love it and I actually miss it. I miss the comfort of having medical care inches away and as needed. I actually crave the closeness we shared all those nights we were sleeping close to each other in the same room. We would watch movies and videos and play games and Cody would tease the nurses. I would say his favorite ones, but then again they all were his favorite ones. He loved all of his doctors too. He made friends with everyone at that hospital. He would sing each morning with the ladies and men that cleaned his room. He would ask me to pick up donuts for the parking garage attendants. He made small talk with the ladies that worked in the cafeteria and they would get him anything he wanted. Once the nutritionist brought up a beautiful perfectly sliced pineapple because he was craving it. There are so, so many things I could write. I just miss Cody...all of him. What I would not do to have him back. I cannot say for just one day, because I would never let him go.
Casey is back home and he is broken too. His grieving is quite different but the same in that he misses Cody too. We talk often of Cody and when Casey does or says something funny, we know that was Cody whispering in his ear. We acknowledge it and we smile, a broken smile. Casey is keeping extremely busy and I know that allows his brain to go on without his brother. He befriended several of Cody's friends. He hangs out at the high school, he goes snowboarding (Cody loved going), he plays paintball (they used to do that together), we eat dinner at the places Cody loved, and the list goes on.
So now it is almost 4 and a half years since we have lived without Cody's being. He visits me in so many ways. It is never enough. That is why you never 'get over' it. I honestly don't want to get over grieving. I will never get over it. My son is not here. Life is going on and I am thankful for each and every person I have in my life. Everyone has a place. I am blessed that way. I just wish Cody was here.
