Happy 28th Birthday to my son.  Oh I wish you were here.  I feel like you are missing so much.  I know you are protecting that little niece of yours.  She would be your #1 fan! I miss you so much and always talk about you.  My friends and family are so good about listening to your stories that I share.I hope you are celebrating.  Love you lots!  Forever 21, Love Mom.

How can it be 6 years since I last felt my son's heartbeat? It just can't be this long.  It feels like yesterday and then again it feels like it has been a lifetime ago. I miss my son beyond words.  Thank goodness my granddaughter is here.  She makes me smile and I know she feels Cody.  There is a certain look she does that is just like Cody. Cody would be the best uncle, without a doubt.  It is so sad to me.  I hear about the COVID vaccine and how quickly they got that and I wonder why there is not a vaccine for cancer? Well my gut tells me it is out there but just not available. Life is so unfair that way. I miss my son and will continue to pray and look for the signs.  Tonight it was right in front of me...the car license plate said DET427 on it.  Thank you for that.  Love and miss you Cody. 

 September 7, 2020

This is a special night.  I find myself longing for Cody to be here a little more than usual.   Tomorrow morning Cody's niece will be born.  I already know Cody will be a perfect guardian angel but oh, what a fun uncle he would be too.  It is a hard time for me just sitting here alone and waiting. I wish times were different. I am so glad Cody did not have to fight for his life through COVID but it really puts a damper on being at the hospital for the birth.  I thank goodness for FaceTime and cell phones.  I am so proud of both of my sons, as always.  I know Casey will make a perfect dad too. He already is. He picked a wonderful girl and I could not be more proud for the both of them. I just wish Cody was here, in person, to be at my side. He was my rock and I enjoyed every second with him.  He would be so excited.  And with the Islanders playing tonight, I know he would have that baby all decked out in Islander gear even though his brother was a Ranger fan first. But we will not discuss that. LOL

I miss my son.  That will never change. Casey and I have big changes ahead of us.  I wish my son was here to experience all of this with us.  I am going to leave some of Cody's ashes in the woods here at the end of our block before Casey leaves this winter.  Cody loved taking his girl Xena for walks in the woods and to the dog park. He lived in this house a long time and I want to have a part of him here.  

Miss you lots my son and I will always love you.  Congrats, Uncle Cody!

5 years...

How do we go on?  Life is empty. A part of me is missing. My son. I think every day about what we would be doing. Where would we go? How would my son’s hair look? Cody loves getting funky haircuts. I would love to here him laughing with his brother. I know he misses him. We all do.
Today was tough. I don’t know how or what I should be doing. It’s hard to keep the tears inside.
Thank you for all the love and support. It was much needed. Thanks for always remembering my son.

April 27-28, 2019

Birthdays are tough. How do you carry on and your son is not here, especially on his birthday? Sometimes I just want the day to go away. I was alone most of the day. I volunteered at a run for our friends the Nelsons. I went to the bagel store and had your favorite. There was a red mini with the black stripes on it when I pulled in.  Thank you. Casey and I tried to get tattoos  but there was no appointments. We ended up going to a new place for dinner. We sat at the bar waiting for our table. We did not order anything and the lights go crazy and the music blares. It was a Cuban restaurant and the waiter starts singing and clapping ‘happy birthday’.  Then it happened about 6 times more. Casey had called his friend and asked what to order and he ended up meeting us. It was a nice night. Of course we missed Cody the entire day, as always. Love you my boy.

March 9, 2019

I was reflecting back on those 6 years of Cody's battle today.  At least from what I can remember.  I did not realize that the day Cody was diagnosed was very close to the same day he left us. I remember being at Huntington Hospital all day that Sunday, Dec.14, 2008 and then being at hospice the night he left, Dec. 18, 2014.  Such a play on numbers there.
Those 6 years we had a different life.  A life where I was doing my best to keep Cody alive.  As much as he hated being confined in a hospital room, we also came to love it and I actually miss it.  I miss the comfort of having medical care inches away and as needed.  I actually crave the closeness we shared all those nights we were sleeping close to each other in the same room.  We would watch movies and videos and play games and Cody would tease the nurses.  I would say his favorite ones, but then again they all were his favorite ones.  He loved all of his doctors too.  He made friends with everyone at that hospital.  He would sing each morning with the ladies and men that cleaned his room.   He would ask me to pick up donuts for the parking garage attendants.  He made small talk with the ladies that worked in the cafeteria and they would get him anything he wanted.  Once the nutritionist brought up a beautiful perfectly sliced pineapple because he was craving it.  There are so, so many things I could write.  I just miss Cody...all of him.  What I would not do to have him back.  I cannot say for just one day, because I would never let him go.
Casey is back home and he is broken too.  His grieving is quite different but the same in that he misses Cody too.  We talk often of Cody and when Casey does or says something funny, we know that was Cody whispering in his ear.  We acknowledge it and we smile, a broken smile.  Casey is keeping extremely busy and I know that allows his brain to go on without his brother.  He befriended several of Cody's friends.  He hangs out at the high school, he goes snowboarding (Cody loved going), he plays paintball (they used to do that together), we eat dinner at the places Cody loved, and the list goes on.
So now it is almost 4 and a half years since we have lived without Cody's being.  He visits me in so many ways.  It is never enough.  That is why you never 'get over' it.  I honestly don't want to get over grieving.  I will never get over it.  My son is not here.  Life is going on and I am thankful for each and every person I have in my life.  Everyone has a place.  I am blessed that way.  I just wish Cody was here.

December 30, 2018

My Cody....The holidays are over.  It has been a tough few months.  We lost your friend and Moira's niece, Meghan a few months ago.  I think of her family going through the loss.  I know you both found each other because you both came to me in a dream.  I need to start writing them all down.
There is not a single day that I do not think of you or say your name.  I think of you every second. I see all the signs and I know you are with me.  It just isn't enough. I just shake my head. I cannot believe you are gone and it is has been so long.  Casey is back with me and we talk of you often.  We know there are times when we both feel your presence.  It breaks my heart for Casey too.  I know he misses you just as much.  He wants to get his other arm tattooed in your memory. I cannot wait to see that.  I know you are as proud of him as I am.  He is now an EMT and he loves helping others like I do.
Life is strange.  It is not fair.  I would give anything to have you back.  Anything.  Miss you always, Cody.
Love,
Mom