How do we go on? Life is empty. A part of me is missing. My son. I think every day about what we would be doing. Where would we go? How would my son’s hair look? Cody loves getting funky haircuts. I would love to here him laughing with his brother. I know he misses him. We all do.
Today was tough. I don’t know how or what I should be doing. It’s hard to keep the tears inside.
Thank you for all the love and support. It was much needed. Thanks for always remembering my son.
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Sunday, April 28, 2019
April 27-28, 2019
Birthdays are tough. How do you carry on and your son is not here, especially on his birthday? Sometimes I just want the day to go away. I was alone most of the day. I volunteered at a run for our friends the Nelsons. I went to the bagel store and had your favorite. There was a red mini with the black stripes on it when I pulled in. Thank you. Casey and I tried to get tattoos but there was no appointments. We ended up going to a new place for dinner. We sat at the bar waiting for our table. We did not order anything and the lights go crazy and the music blares. It was a Cuban restaurant and the waiter starts singing and clapping ‘happy birthday’. Then it happened about 6 times more. Casey had called his friend and asked what to order and he ended up meeting us. It was a nice night. Of course we missed Cody the entire day, as always. Love you my boy.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
March 9, 2019
I was reflecting back on those 6 years of Cody's battle today. At least from what I can remember. I did not realize that the day Cody was diagnosed was very close to the same day he left us. I remember being at Huntington Hospital all day that Sunday, Dec.14, 2008 and then being at hospice the night he left, Dec. 18, 2014. Such a play on numbers there.
Those 6 years we had a different life. A life where I was doing my best to keep Cody alive. As much as he hated being confined in a hospital room, we also came to love it and I actually miss it. I miss the comfort of having medical care inches away and as needed. I actually crave the closeness we shared all those nights we were sleeping close to each other in the same room. We would watch movies and videos and play games and Cody would tease the nurses. I would say his favorite ones, but then again they all were his favorite ones. He loved all of his doctors too. He made friends with everyone at that hospital. He would sing each morning with the ladies and men that cleaned his room. He would ask me to pick up donuts for the parking garage attendants. He made small talk with the ladies that worked in the cafeteria and they would get him anything he wanted. Once the nutritionist brought up a beautiful perfectly sliced pineapple because he was craving it. There are so, so many things I could write. I just miss Cody...all of him. What I would not do to have him back. I cannot say for just one day, because I would never let him go.
Casey is back home and he is broken too. His grieving is quite different but the same in that he misses Cody too. We talk often of Cody and when Casey does or says something funny, we know that was Cody whispering in his ear. We acknowledge it and we smile, a broken smile. Casey is keeping extremely busy and I know that allows his brain to go on without his brother. He befriended several of Cody's friends. He hangs out at the high school, he goes snowboarding (Cody loved going), he plays paintball (they used to do that together), we eat dinner at the places Cody loved, and the list goes on.
So now it is almost 4 and a half years since we have lived without Cody's being. He visits me in so many ways. It is never enough. That is why you never 'get over' it. I honestly don't want to get over grieving. I will never get over it. My son is not here. Life is going on and I am thankful for each and every person I have in my life. Everyone has a place. I am blessed that way. I just wish Cody was here.
Those 6 years we had a different life. A life where I was doing my best to keep Cody alive. As much as he hated being confined in a hospital room, we also came to love it and I actually miss it. I miss the comfort of having medical care inches away and as needed. I actually crave the closeness we shared all those nights we were sleeping close to each other in the same room. We would watch movies and videos and play games and Cody would tease the nurses. I would say his favorite ones, but then again they all were his favorite ones. He loved all of his doctors too. He made friends with everyone at that hospital. He would sing each morning with the ladies and men that cleaned his room. He would ask me to pick up donuts for the parking garage attendants. He made small talk with the ladies that worked in the cafeteria and they would get him anything he wanted. Once the nutritionist brought up a beautiful perfectly sliced pineapple because he was craving it. There are so, so many things I could write. I just miss Cody...all of him. What I would not do to have him back. I cannot say for just one day, because I would never let him go.
Casey is back home and he is broken too. His grieving is quite different but the same in that he misses Cody too. We talk often of Cody and when Casey does or says something funny, we know that was Cody whispering in his ear. We acknowledge it and we smile, a broken smile. Casey is keeping extremely busy and I know that allows his brain to go on without his brother. He befriended several of Cody's friends. He hangs out at the high school, he goes snowboarding (Cody loved going), he plays paintball (they used to do that together), we eat dinner at the places Cody loved, and the list goes on.
So now it is almost 4 and a half years since we have lived without Cody's being. He visits me in so many ways. It is never enough. That is why you never 'get over' it. I honestly don't want to get over grieving. I will never get over it. My son is not here. Life is going on and I am thankful for each and every person I have in my life. Everyone has a place. I am blessed that way. I just wish Cody was here.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
December 30, 2018
My Cody....The holidays are over. It has been a tough few months. We lost your friend and Moira's niece, Meghan a few months ago. I think of her family going through the loss. I know you both found each other because you both came to me in a dream. I need to start writing them all down.
There is not a single day that I do not think of you or say your name. I think of you every second. I see all the signs and I know you are with me. It just isn't enough. I just shake my head. I cannot believe you are gone and it is has been so long. Casey is back with me and we talk of you often. We know there are times when we both feel your presence. It breaks my heart for Casey too. I know he misses you just as much. He wants to get his other arm tattooed in your memory. I cannot wait to see that. I know you are as proud of him as I am. He is now an EMT and he loves helping others like I do.
Life is strange. It is not fair. I would give anything to have you back. Anything. Miss you always, Cody.
Love,
Mom
There is not a single day that I do not think of you or say your name. I think of you every second. I see all the signs and I know you are with me. It just isn't enough. I just shake my head. I cannot believe you are gone and it is has been so long. Casey is back with me and we talk of you often. We know there are times when we both feel your presence. It breaks my heart for Casey too. I know he misses you just as much. He wants to get his other arm tattooed in your memory. I cannot wait to see that. I know you are as proud of him as I am. He is now an EMT and he loves helping others like I do.
Life is strange. It is not fair. I would give anything to have you back. Anything. Miss you always, Cody.
Love,
Mom
Monday, September 17, 2018
September 17, 2018
time...keeps going
About a month or so ago, Casey and I took apart Cody’s drums. We needed to make some room. I needed to adjust to them not set up before I thought of anew home. I asked several friends and family members about the drums. Nothing came to fruition. My brother and cousin thought about them but to send to Florida just seemed too much.
A few years ago, HSE did a jazz fundraiser. The drummer was amazing! I ran into him and his mother in a restaurant and both were so pleasant. When I can’t sleep, my mind wanders. I looked up this drummer on Facebook and got in touch with him. He seemed happy to have the drums. Upon meeting his mom and him here at the house yesterday, I could feel the emotions. I wanted to make sure it was ok to give them to him. Well, his mom got out of the car. She tells me and Casey that she works for HHH transportation and that she actually drove down our street the day before and she saw Cody’s tree and sign. Casey saw her driving. I know that was my sign from Cody letting me know that he was ok with Jordan taking his drums. Jordan was kinda quiet but I guess it could be a bit overwhelming. He set them up and posted a little video clip of him already playing them. Brings me to tears but they will be put to good use.
Please say lots of prayers tonight for Meghan. She was brought to hospice today. I feel awful. No words. Xoxo
About a month or so ago, Casey and I took apart Cody’s drums. We needed to make some room. I needed to adjust to them not set up before I thought of anew home. I asked several friends and family members about the drums. Nothing came to fruition. My brother and cousin thought about them but to send to Florida just seemed too much.
A few years ago, HSE did a jazz fundraiser. The drummer was amazing! I ran into him and his mother in a restaurant and both were so pleasant. When I can’t sleep, my mind wanders. I looked up this drummer on Facebook and got in touch with him. He seemed happy to have the drums. Upon meeting his mom and him here at the house yesterday, I could feel the emotions. I wanted to make sure it was ok to give them to him. Well, his mom got out of the car. She tells me and Casey that she works for HHH transportation and that she actually drove down our street the day before and she saw Cody’s tree and sign. Casey saw her driving. I know that was my sign from Cody letting me know that he was ok with Jordan taking his drums. Jordan was kinda quiet but I guess it could be a bit overwhelming. He set them up and posted a little video clip of him already playing them. Brings me to tears but they will be put to good use.
Please say lots of prayers tonight for Meghan. She was brought to hospice today. I feel awful. No words. Xoxo
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
April 18, 2018
its hard, it’s painful. It’s raw. My boy is gone. I miss him every second.
Today marks 3 years and 4 months. 40 months. It’s funny. I remember a few years ago talking with a family I know. The daughter and her dad were there. They lost their wife/ mom. I was asking joe everyone was and asked the young girl how her mom was. In that spilt second, I said her mom’s name. I felt awful. We carried on the conversation and I was upset. Fast forward, I, sadly, know how much I love hearing my son’s name, even if it’s a mistake. I love hearing stories about him I love sharing them too. Casey lives back here and I share stories of Cody all the time. He missed so much too. We are grieving as I’m sure we always will.
Today marks 3 years and 4 months. 40 months. It’s funny. I remember a few years ago talking with a family I know. The daughter and her dad were there. They lost their wife/ mom. I was asking joe everyone was and asked the young girl how her mom was. In that spilt second, I said her mom’s name. I felt awful. We carried on the conversation and I was upset. Fast forward, I, sadly, know how much I love hearing my son’s name, even if it’s a mistake. I love hearing stories about him I love sharing them too. Casey lives back here and I share stories of Cody all the time. He missed so much too. We are grieving as I’m sure we always will.
Saturday, December 23, 2017
December 23, 2017
Just this past week was Cody's angelversary.. Life keeps going. We are doing our best. Casey is living back here with me and it is very comforting to have him here. I am trying to help him cope and I see his sadness. It breaks my heart. We went to the Short's on Sunday to do a balloon release and sent a few lanterns up. It was a special and sad night. Thank you to the Short's for having us.
I am busy working on foundation things. We did our Super Hero Day on the 15th. It was another success. I am touched beyond words at what various schools do to keep Cody's memory close to heart. HSW teacher and former teacher of Cody's had the kids do presentations to the Social Studies classes. Some kids wore super hero costumes and greeted the buses. HSE and the physical education department raised funds by having the kids write the name of a super hero in their lives on a super hero thingy and they were hung up in the main hallway. Casey and I visited the schools and it was so heartwarming. Cody will not be forgotten. On the 18th, Casey and I spent the day together. It was hard in so many ways. Casey has not witnessed the love and support we have here so I think he might be overwhelmed. It is all so hard to wrap our heads around this, the 3 years just flew by and yet it seems like yesterday. I am thankful and blessed to have everyone here. I feel the love. I will continue to pray for those that left us and for those battling. I have met some amazing families along the way. My bonds with the friends I have here are stronger than ever. Yes, I have changed, but how could I not?
Thank you all and enjoy the holidays with your families. XOXOXO
I am busy working on foundation things. We did our Super Hero Day on the 15th. It was another success. I am touched beyond words at what various schools do to keep Cody's memory close to heart. HSW teacher and former teacher of Cody's had the kids do presentations to the Social Studies classes. Some kids wore super hero costumes and greeted the buses. HSE and the physical education department raised funds by having the kids write the name of a super hero in their lives on a super hero thingy and they were hung up in the main hallway. Casey and I visited the schools and it was so heartwarming. Cody will not be forgotten. On the 18th, Casey and I spent the day together. It was hard in so many ways. Casey has not witnessed the love and support we have here so I think he might be overwhelmed. It is all so hard to wrap our heads around this, the 3 years just flew by and yet it seems like yesterday. I am thankful and blessed to have everyone here. I feel the love. I will continue to pray for those that left us and for those battling. I have met some amazing families along the way. My bonds with the friends I have here are stronger than ever. Yes, I have changed, but how could I not?
Thank you all and enjoy the holidays with your families. XOXOXO
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)