11 years

 We say this every year, but I’m not sure how it can be 11 years without you here. It just doesn’t make sense to me why this happens. You are missed more than words could ever say. Your nieces would adore you. Thanks for keeping a watch over all of us and we are one day closer to seeing you again. I love you. 

Birthday

 Today is Cody’s 32nd birthday. It is just such a weird feeling when you have a birthday for a child that you gave birth to and they are not here anymore. I can’t wrap my head around this.

I went to animal adventure park and got to hang around some exotic animals. I try to do things that I know Cody would love to do and that for sure I was one of the things we would’ve been doing.

I got the sweetest message tonight from my daughter-in-law. She is a blessing in so many ways. I’m also very thankful for all the messages, phone calls, and friends That reached out to me today. I am so glad that my son will always be remembered.

I miss him more than words could ever say. Happy birthday in heaven to my son Cody.

10 years

 As I sit here tonight, I am thinking about Cody‘s last night here on earth 10 years ago. My dad and I stayed with him at hospice and had a rough night. At this point, Cody was sleeping and slipping away. A lot of friends came to see him This day and then again the next day before he passed on the 18th. 

I honestly cannot believe it has been in 10 years. My heart is forever broken. 

Mother’s day

 Mother’s Day was Sunday. It’s tough. Everyone asks what did you do to celebrate. Casey is in GA and working on Sunday. And  Well, with one of your children in heaven, it hits differently. It’s hard to put into words. It’s definitely a void and sad. I have gained a daughter in law and grandchild with another on the way. For this, I am grateful. That constant emptiness is always there when you lose a child. It’s always with you. It should be. My son will never be forgotten and he is always with me. I miss you , Cody. 

31st birthday

 This year I’m in GA with Casey, Lisa and Mia. We talked about Cody  and had wings, his favorite, for dinner. I miss him beyond words. It’s just so unreal. 10 birthdays in heaven. I can only imagine what he would be like now, married, kids? It’s all so very heartbreaking. Glad to get a hug tonight from Casey. I will push on. 

Dec. 18, 2023

 On this day, at 9:30 pm, we sweet angel took his last breath in my arms. This is the worst pain in the world. No one should lose a child. Cancer took him from me. So very awful and unfair. 

I know this pain. Things like Cody never getting to be an uncle. He would be perfect at it. He will never get married and have children of his own. That is where we are in life and it hurts! He will never get to be a brother in law to Lisa. She would adore him too. This second chapter of life is beautiful except that he’s missing. 

I will continue to keep him alive. His foundation shows his impact to others. His name is heard. My friends and family all do such a great job in celebrating him. This I am so blessed for. 

I miss my son. 

Diagnosis

 Today marks 15 years since Cody was first diagnosed with ALL.  That’s all. 

Happy 30th Birthday.

 I cannot wrap my head around this deep loss. How could my son be 30 and not be here? How can I not be planning his party? How can I not think about who he’d be? Where would he live? Would he be married? Kids? All of that was put to an abrupt stop Dec 18,2014. Life here on earth was over for my son. I miss him more than words. Tough day to say the least. Keep all the signs coming Cody. I need them. I might as everything about you. One day closer to seeing you again. Rest easy my boy. 

8 years….

 It has been 8 long years without my son. 8.  Just think about that. Today was tough. I try to do things to keep my son in Everyone’s mind. It’s easy for me..he never leaves it. I love and long for all the signs and I know he is with me. He would be an uncle now. I know he would love that role. I am sure Mia knows he is around. We miss and love you dearly, Cody. 

April 27, 2022

 My son would have been 29 today.  I cannot wrap my head around this.  His beautiful niece will never know her favorite uncle.  I know he would be her favorite.  Today I went to Lion Country Safari.  I took the boys there when they were little.  I know Cody always loved animals too.  This one ostrich was pecking on my window.  Go figure.  And tonight one of the pictures of Cody feel down.  I know he is near.  I feel it.  Thank you, Cody.  I love seeing how many people remember Cody and have stories to tell.  I miss him so much.  Happy heavenly birthday my son.  

7 YEARS WITHOUT MY SON

 December 18, 2021

7 years....I am not sure how that happened.  I do know that it is so hard without my son here.  There are so many life changes that I wish Cody experienced.  The first one is that he would be an uncle.  He would love that role.  I am thankful for my daughter in law for not forgetting him and teaching Mia about him.  They would have loved each other.  I know Cody would love Lisa too. I wish they could have met.  I know he would be so proud of Casey.  Not sure he would have liked me moving to Florida...he hated the heat and said everything was so slow here.  And it is.  I wonder where Cody would be and what he would be doing.  I have a feeling he would be with the Islanders in some kind of top management position.  He loved that team.  Life is just so hard when you think of those things.  I miss Cody each and every day.  I feel his presence and I know he is  guiding all of us.  

Today I volunteered at a new foundation for sick children. It was brunch with Santa and I helped the kids write letter to Santa.  I know if Cody was here he would have been right next to me.  It was a beautiful morning seeing some kids smile for the first time in a long time. 

Tonight I went to dinner with Roy and his girlfriend.  It was very nice.  Then we met Dad and Bonnie at the beach and tried to let a lantern go it.  I did not get the good ones so that did not work out too well but we managed to send one up.  Roy is great and I am lucky to have him.  

Good night everyone.  I hope I can sleep.  Casey, Lisa and Mia will be here in the morning!!!!

November 29, 2021 RIP Jazzy

 Today I had to make the decision to put Jazzy down.  She was with us for 14 of her 15 years.  I asked for a sign each night for a sign from Cody so I would know when  it was time.  Well, last night she could not settle at all and was crying.  Luckily the Humane Society here in Jupiter was able to get us in.  I know Cody is now reunited with her and Xena and Lily.  I miss you, Cody...Take care of your pets.   Love you, my son. 

 Happy 28th Birthday to my son.  Oh I wish you were here.  I feel like you are missing so much.  I know you are protecting that little niece of yours.  She would be your #1 fan! I miss you so much and always talk about you.  My friends and family are so good about listening to your stories that I share.I hope you are celebrating.  Love you lots!  Forever 21, Love Mom.

How can it be 6 years since I last felt my son's heartbeat? It just can't be this long.  It feels like yesterday and then again it feels like it has been a lifetime ago. I miss my son beyond words.  Thank goodness my granddaughter is here.  She makes me smile and I know she feels Cody.  There is a certain look she does that is just like Cody. Cody would be the best uncle, without a doubt.  It is so sad to me.  I hear about the COVID vaccine and how quickly they got that and I wonder why there is not a vaccine for cancer? Well my gut tells me it is out there but just not available. Life is so unfair that way. I miss my son and will continue to pray and look for the signs.  Tonight it was right in front of me...the car license plate said DET427 on it.  Thank you for that.  Love and miss you Cody. 

 September 7, 2020

This is a special night.  I find myself longing for Cody to be here a little more than usual.   Tomorrow morning Cody's niece will be born.  I already know Cody will be a perfect guardian angel but oh, what a fun uncle he would be too.  It is a hard time for me just sitting here alone and waiting. I wish times were different. I am so glad Cody did not have to fight for his life through COVID but it really puts a damper on being at the hospital for the birth.  I thank goodness for FaceTime and cell phones.  I am so proud of both of my sons, as always.  I know Casey will make a perfect dad too. He already is. He picked a wonderful girl and I could not be more proud for the both of them. I just wish Cody was here, in person, to be at my side. He was my rock and I enjoyed every second with him.  He would be so excited.  And with the Islanders playing tonight, I know he would have that baby all decked out in Islander gear even though his brother was a Ranger fan first. But we will not discuss that. LOL

I miss my son.  That will never change. Casey and I have big changes ahead of us.  I wish my son was here to experience all of this with us.  I am going to leave some of Cody's ashes in the woods here at the end of our block before Casey leaves this winter.  Cody loved taking his girl Xena for walks in the woods and to the dog park. He lived in this house a long time and I want to have a part of him here.  

Miss you lots my son and I will always love you.  Congrats, Uncle Cody!

5 years...

How do we go on?  Life is empty. A part of me is missing. My son. I think every day about what we would be doing. Where would we go? How would my son’s hair look? Cody loves getting funky haircuts. I would love to here him laughing with his brother. I know he misses him. We all do.
Today was tough. I don’t know how or what I should be doing. It’s hard to keep the tears inside.
Thank you for all the love and support. It was much needed. Thanks for always remembering my son.

April 27-28, 2019

Birthdays are tough. How do you carry on and your son is not here, especially on his birthday? Sometimes I just want the day to go away. I was alone most of the day. I volunteered at a run for our friends the Nelsons. I went to the bagel store and had your favorite. There was a red mini with the black stripes on it when I pulled in.  Thank you. Casey and I tried to get tattoos  but there was no appointments. We ended up going to a new place for dinner. We sat at the bar waiting for our table. We did not order anything and the lights go crazy and the music blares. It was a Cuban restaurant and the waiter starts singing and clapping ‘happy birthday’.  Then it happened about 6 times more. Casey had called his friend and asked what to order and he ended up meeting us. It was a nice night. Of course we missed Cody the entire day, as always. Love you my boy.

March 9, 2019

I was reflecting back on those 6 years of Cody's battle today.  At least from what I can remember.  I did not realize that the day Cody was diagnosed was very close to the same day he left us. I remember being at Huntington Hospital all day that Sunday, Dec.14, 2008 and then being at hospice the night he left, Dec. 18, 2014.  Such a play on numbers there.
Those 6 years we had a different life.  A life where I was doing my best to keep Cody alive.  As much as he hated being confined in a hospital room, we also came to love it and I actually miss it.  I miss the comfort of having medical care inches away and as needed.  I actually crave the closeness we shared all those nights we were sleeping close to each other in the same room.  We would watch movies and videos and play games and Cody would tease the nurses.  I would say his favorite ones, but then again they all were his favorite ones.  He loved all of his doctors too.  He made friends with everyone at that hospital.  He would sing each morning with the ladies and men that cleaned his room.   He would ask me to pick up donuts for the parking garage attendants.  He made small talk with the ladies that worked in the cafeteria and they would get him anything he wanted.  Once the nutritionist brought up a beautiful perfectly sliced pineapple because he was craving it.  There are so, so many things I could write.  I just miss Cody...all of him.  What I would not do to have him back.  I cannot say for just one day, because I would never let him go.
Casey is back home and he is broken too.  His grieving is quite different but the same in that he misses Cody too.  We talk often of Cody and when Casey does or says something funny, we know that was Cody whispering in his ear.  We acknowledge it and we smile, a broken smile.  Casey is keeping extremely busy and I know that allows his brain to go on without his brother.  He befriended several of Cody's friends.  He hangs out at the high school, he goes snowboarding (Cody loved going), he plays paintball (they used to do that together), we eat dinner at the places Cody loved, and the list goes on.
So now it is almost 4 and a half years since we have lived without Cody's being.  He visits me in so many ways.  It is never enough.  That is why you never 'get over' it.  I honestly don't want to get over grieving.  I will never get over it.  My son is not here.  Life is going on and I am thankful for each and every person I have in my life.  Everyone has a place.  I am blessed that way.  I just wish Cody was here.

December 30, 2018

My Cody....The holidays are over.  It has been a tough few months.  We lost your friend and Moira's niece, Meghan a few months ago.  I think of her family going through the loss.  I know you both found each other because you both came to me in a dream.  I need to start writing them all down.
There is not a single day that I do not think of you or say your name.  I think of you every second. I see all the signs and I know you are with me.  It just isn't enough. I just shake my head. I cannot believe you are gone and it is has been so long.  Casey is back with me and we talk of you often.  We know there are times when we both feel your presence.  It breaks my heart for Casey too.  I know he misses you just as much.  He wants to get his other arm tattooed in your memory. I cannot wait to see that.  I know you are as proud of him as I am.  He is now an EMT and he loves helping others like I do.
Life is strange.  It is not fair.  I would give anything to have you back.  Anything.  Miss you always, Cody.
Love,
Mom

September 17, 2018

time...keeps going
About a month or so ago, Casey and I took apart Cody’s drums. We needed to make some room. I needed to adjust to them not set up before I thought of anew home. I asked several friends and family members about the drums. Nothing came to fruition. My brother and cousin thought about them but to send to Florida just seemed too much.
A few years ago, HSE did a jazz fundraiser. The drummer was amazing! I ran into him and his mother in a restaurant and both were so pleasant. When I can’t sleep, my mind wanders. I looked up this drummer on Facebook and got in touch with him.  He seemed happy to have the drums. Upon meeting his mom and him here at the house yesterday, I could feel the emotions. I wanted to make sure it was ok to give them to him. Well, his mom got out of the car. She tells me and Casey that she works for HHH transportation and that she actually drove down our street the day before and she saw Cody’s tree and sign. Casey saw her driving. I know that was my sign from Cody letting me know that he was ok with Jordan taking his drums. Jordan was kinda quiet but I guess it could be a bit overwhelming. He set them up and posted a little video clip of him already playing them. Brings me to tears but they will be put to good use.
Please say lots of prayers tonight for Meghan. She was brought to hospice today. I feel awful. No words. Xoxo